How Finding Adoptive Parents For My Baby Changed My Life

When Tamra Hyde found herself pregnant at 17, placing her baby for adoption was the last thing on her mind. The way she saw it, adoption was about bad people giving a baby to good people.

But the more she learned about the process, the more she realized that everything she thought she knew about adoption was wrong.

She wasn’t poor. She wasn’t a drug addict. She wasn’t cold and uncaring. Her child wasn’t unwanted or unloved. She had a loving boyfriend and came from a good family.

She knew she could parent. She wanted to parent. When her pregnancy became risky, she prayed that she wouldn’t loss her baby. And yet, as time went on, she also came to realize that she wasn’t ready to parent him.

She knew she could provide enough. But that wasn’t good enough. She wanted the best for her son, Justin. And she knew she wasn’t in a position to offer it to him.

So she created an open adoption plan and placed Justin with an adoptive family. Today, 17 years later, Tamra has gone from what she calls the “adoption closet” onto an adoption soapbox and become an advocate for open adoption. I recently had a chance to learn more about her story and about what others — prospective adoptive parents, birthmothers and their children — can take away from it.

So much about Tamra’s story and outlook is unique, including the way she found Justin’s family. So I thought that would be a good place to begin our conversation.

1. You’ve said that you didn’t choose Justin’s family, you found them. What do you mean by that?

I had thought that I was going to “select” his family. So I set out to make a study of it, to be almost scientific about it. This was the most important thing I’d ever do and I was picking one out of thousands. But I was determined that I wouldn’t miss anything. I would be utterly thorough. I WOULD find the best one.

You can imagine how daunting a task that was. I found it hard to sleep under the weight of the responsibility, particularly considering my total lack of practice caring or making good choices. I had a track record of screwing things up. I was fortunately humbled by the task and sought help.

I had my own powers of reasoning and the advice of many, but these are both things that can and often do fail us. I needed the guidance of someone who could see beyond what we could, and though I’d kinda been avoiding him for a while, I knew who that Someone was.

My caseworker brought the first five profiles. Back then they contained very little information and no pictures or names. I figured I’d look at everything she had before making my “selection.” I’d given her a detailed description of what I was looking for and she was meant to filter for me with that criteria.

However, as I read through the first file I quickly realized they weren’t at all what I had ordered. Yet ironically, I felt very drawn to them. I couldn’t pinpoint why so I determined that I was only empathizing with their plight, not being able to have children. But as I read through the other four, families who matched my description, I could not get that first profile out of my mind. I found myself going back to it again and again.

I brought it to God. I told him I felt something about this family but that I was going to need a sign. The message that came back to me was that I wouldn’t be spoonfed and I’d need to act on faith for now and go with the direction I’d been given. I called my caseworker and she said “Tamra, I knew they weren’t what you were looking for but I knew you needed to see that file.”

2. Let’s talk about the moment you first met Justin’s adoptive parents. For many birthmothers, choosing parents for their baby is one of the hardest parts of the process. But from the moment you looked into their eyes, you knew they were meant to be his parents. Explain that moment to me…

It’s a bit of a hard thing to explain. It’s not the sort of thing folks experience very often. I can’t even think of a common scenario to relate it to. I had prayed the night before meeting them for a sign of some sort. By this time, I was already confident and determined in my decision, but I was hoping for some additional confirmation, something I would know came from a source other than my own heart or mind.

I had no idea what that would look like or if I’d be accommodated, after all, I’d had my answer already. Thinking of it now it looks so silly to me but what I had anticipated was almost that I would interview them for the position, perhaps give them some Tamra-approved parenting methods. When they walked in, relief washed over me.

I knew this quest, likely the most important of my life, this mission I had prayed and cried and changed for and worried over was resolved. When I saw them I stopped worrying that I’d mess it up like I had so many less consequential things. It was immediately evident that I had found what i was so desperately looking for.

It was to me a reunion. I know I can’t say it in a way that makes sense but I KNEW them. I recognized their faces from a time and place that I can’t recall. I loved them instantly. No, even previous to that instant but in that instant I REMEMBERED that I loved them. They were a part of my family. I didn’t understand HOW but I knew that they were. I think even tiny little fetal Justin knew he was almost home.

This is when I finally got it. I wasn’t choosing a family for Justin, that’s God’s job. I was finding the family that was already his. I now understood that he was theirs before he was mine. That I wasn’t sharing him with them, but the other way around.

3. They were the oldest couple you looked at. Was age an important issue for you?

Young was one of my specifications. Perhaps because I was young. I really don’t know any more, ha! I think if I were to write that list today, it would be very different.

4. What else were you looking for in adoptive parents for Justin?

Oh, it was a little ridiculous really. I knew the weather conditions I wanted for him! There were hobbies and cultural things that I did and didn’t want. I remember one was that I didn’t want them to hunt. I specified immediate and extended family structure. I wanted them to be wealthy but frugal and not concerned with status. I secretly wanted them to be attractive. I wanted educated people who shared my faith and I did get that for him. I don’t know how useful my preferences would be to any readers. I was a weirdo and some of them were very silly.

5. Did you ever worry that you wouldn’t find a couple that fit your criteria?

I just worried about the unknown. That people would misrepresent themselves or that circumstances could change or that perhaps there was another couple that would be better. All of my fears left me though once I found them.

6. When you initially discovered you were pregnant, you said adoption was at the bottom of your list. Tell me a little bit about the thought process you went through that helped nudge it up to the top of your list?

Adoption was on the table from day one. Because my mother put it there. And I entertained it at least on the surface so that I could say that I had considered all of my options but my agenda was to avoid it at any cost. Even to marry a fella I knew I wouldn’t be happy with. So I got engaged in spite of the fact that since I’d discovered I was pregnant he didn’t look the same to me. I’d thought he was good enough for me but now I was choosing for two and Justin deserved more.

I had relocated to Atlanta at the end of my first trimester and the birth father was nine hours away in Memphis. This was a time when not everyone had cell phones or computers at home so when we spoke we were paying long distance fees. He was in his first semester of college and I wasn’t working so our communications were few and far between.

While this created an agonizing withdrawal for my codependant little heart it also allowed me to see a contrast. I was working harder than at any other time in my life. I was changing. I was trying very hard to grow up and prepare to be my best for my son. And it was working.

But every time I would speak to the birth father I would regress. I became insecure and needy and confused and frustrated and helpless. It didn’t take too long before I couldn’t deny the fact that I was my worst self with him, that if I were to give him and me to Justin as parents, it wouldn’t be a gift.

So I broke it off and began to lead toward single parenting. I couldn’t seem to get that peace and confidence I was looking for. I NEVER wanted to look back and doubt or regret. I needed “an answer” but I was blocking it out by my willfulness. I got frustrated with my program that wasn’t working. I was counseling the Lord rather than taking counsel from Him. I was telling Him what was best rather than truly asking.

I was praying about my frustration and it was made clear to me that I was in my own way. I HAD to remove myself from the equation. That is SO HARD TO DO! The question was “Tamra, when you ask what is best for your son, is that what you want MOST?” When I decided it was, clarity came.

At my best I couldn’t give him what two parents with maturity, experience, resources, and stability could. That was humbling and it was hard to swallow. I now understand that it didn’t mean I would have been bad for him, just that they were better. And at the end of the day, “enough” wasn’t enough for him when there was more available. It wasn’t enough just to feel love for Justin, I had to do what love dictated. It was the only way for me to have the peace of mind, 17 years later, that I had so hoped for.

7. One of your fears was that Justin would feel abandoned by your decision and resent you. How did you conquer them?

Again, once I knew it was right, once I had the “answer”, all of these heavy concerns that had haunted me became irrelevant, almost silly. Not like I had this assurance that he wouldn’t feel that way, just that for better of for worse, they were his family. And it hasn’t been the fairy-tale I dreamed for him. I am sad for the parts that have been hard for him but I still know, what I did was right for him. His trials are right for him.