An Adoptive Father’s Letter To His Son’s Birthfather


This guest post is by Noah, an adoptive father.

How do we thank you?

You helped bring into this world this precious boy. You decided to be a part of his life when so many others would have disappeared.

You were not tied to his birthmother. The two of you had long before gone your separate ways.

You lived in three states away and yet you were there at the beginning and you continue to be there today.

When we first met you, I saw a young creative idealist. A young man full of life, passion, and intellectual curiosity.

I saw a little bit of myself when I was younger and I enjoyed seeing that energy again.

I honestly had no idea what to expect.

I worried you wouldn’t like us. I worried that we would not have anything to talk about. I worried that you would be like so many other birthfathers and just fade away.

We were told that birthfathers rarely are involved.

We read stories about birthfathers being absent only to show up later and make life difficult.

We heard social workers talk about birthfathers with disdain. It took that first meeting for all of our fears to fade away.

In fact, it was you who called us to let us know to head down to the hospital outside Philly.

We were shocked when we arrived and met you in the waiting room with both your parents. So many people hide from their parents these parts of their lives.

And yet here they were with you; warm, inviting, and unexpected but amazing.

We all sat in that waiting room and shared stories and built bonds over chick-fil-a and Steve Harvey. It was less than a month after Kelvin was born that you came to visit him.

We already felt so comfortable around you that we invited you to our home.

People thought we were insane inviting a birthparent into our home: letting them know where we lived.

We were met with surprise and warnings when we shared last names;  shock when we all exchanged contact information.

But you and your family were so honest, so compassionate that we knew it was the right thing to do. That level of openness would only make everyone’s life better.

Your family has been down and visited Kel three times. We receive gifts for him from your parents for every holiday; even the small ones.

When we decided to take an vacation after Christmas near your family, you all welcomed us into your home and within minutes Kelvin had toys to play with and we had pictures from your childhood.

We immediately noticed the similarities. They could not be denied. We drove home that weekend laughing and full of excitement.

Here we are almost two years later and you are a part of our family and, more importantly a part of his life.

He will never have to wonder where his skin complexion comes from or his reddish hair. He will never wonder if his birthfather was smart, creative, caring.

He will never have to wonder where his ferocious appetite and crazy teeth are from. He will never wonder where his high energy and fearlessness come from.

He will never wonder because you are in his life. Not as a bystander, but as an integral part of this family.

There is no day celebrating you.

There are no hallmark cards. There are very few articles about you. And yet, you are a part of a wonderful gift.

You are our son’s birthfather; our friend, and a member of this family. We will never be able to show you how grateful we are.

You chose to stick around. You chose to be in our son’s life, not as a bystander, but as an integral part of this family.

And for that we celebrate you and thank you.

Noah and his wife, Kim, are adoptive parents in New York City who would like to share their experience of open adoption of their son, Kelvin. 

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