This guest post is by Cannille Turner, a birthmother.
I first found out I was pregnant on July 17, 2014.
As I was sitting in a little room waiting for the results, a doctor came in to ask a few questions about whether I had a plan and if the dad was in the picture.
I got annoyed with her questions and just silently hoped the test would come back negative, because I wasn’t ready for a baby.
But she just kept rambling about pregnancy and babies. When she noticed I was annoyed with what she had to say, she stopped talking for a bit. Then she read the test and said “well, Miss Turner, it looks like you’re about five weeks”.
A sudden flood of thoughts came to my mind — mainly worries.
How could this be true? I was going to have a human being growing inside of me, moving around, kicking and in just a few months entering the world I live in.
I couldn’t believe my stomach was going to stretch, but most of all, I couldn’t believe another person was coming from me.
Later I started thinking that I couldn’t have this child, not by a man who took advantage of me and raped me.
There was so much hate in my heart about this man I didn’t want to carry this baby.
Before leaving the doctor, I had only told two people about what had happened, my long-distance boyfriend and one of my best friends.
I didn’t know what to do, I really thought about getting an abortion, but with what money?
I felt a small amount of guilt for wanting to abort this child and decided to give myself a few days to gather my thoughts and think everything through.
A few days later I went on Google and typed “pregnant now what?” I know that sounds kind of funny but I just wanted to see what else was out there!
I found an adoption agency that a couple from my church had used for their international adoption, so I browsed the agency’s website and ended up messaging someone there.
A few days later I met with a pregnancy counselor.
If I’m being truthful, I would have to say I wasn’t sure I would choose adoption at the time, but I thought hearing about adoption wouldn’t hurt.
On my way home from that first meeting, I felt this overwhelming peace in my heart, and decided to meet the counselor again the following week.
The thought of carrying my baby girl for nine months, giving birth and then placing her in an adoptive family’s arms was scary at first.
But I finally opened my eyes to adoption when I shoved my wants and needs to the side and put my daughter’s interests first.
As time went by, I started to fall in love with the life growing inside me and I knew I had to be a part of this child’s life.
My family and some of my friends didn’t agree with adoption, and their disagreements brought back my wants and needs, But I had to ignore them.
Some would say I didn’t care or love my baby because I was planning to “give her away,” and I should have just gone with abortion.
Little did they know, I was going to be a part of her life. I had to be. One day, this baby would know me and know how much I love her.
As the process went on, I started to view adoptive family profiles. The only thing that mattered to me was that the adoption be open. The rest I didn’t care about.
As I started going through the profiles, I started to get a better idea about who I wanted my baby girl’s forever family to be.
I remembered that when I was younger I wanted to adopt my first child, but since that wasn’t going to happen, I decided I wanted my little beloved to be somebody’s first, adopted child.
After looking through more than five profile books I narrowed my search down to two families—one who didn’t have any children and another who had a son.
I struggled with trying to figure out which family to choose. Although I said I wanted beloved to be their first child, there something about the other family that I liked.
Finally, after reading the parent profiles again, my heart leaned toward the couple without the children. I wanted to help them build a family and take in every moment of parenthood.
And then it happened: I found beloved’s forever family.
After I chose her adoptive parents, I decided to meet them. I was so nervous and anxious but after our meeting I felt the same peace that I did when I initially chose adoption and knew everything would be fine.
I was in labor for about 13 hours, and while I was in the hospital “T”— beloved’s adoptive mother—stayed in the room with me along with a friend of mine. “T” and the doctors cheered me on as beloved came into the world, and “T” cut the umbilical cord.
We were both excited, but I thought my heart would break when it came time for the placement.
Then the day when I had to sign the adoption papers came. As I placed my daughter in the arms of her new parents and watched them, it was hard.
But at the same time, I felt at peace.
Today, the pain is still there. It never goes away. But it does ease up and life becomes better.
What has helped is knowing that I created happiness by building a family—one that loves not only my daughter, but me as well.
Cannille Turner is from Memphis and has the greatest love for adoption. A version of this story appeared at Beloved’s Adoption Day.
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